But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
