Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
