Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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