he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
