I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
