moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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