A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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