I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
