You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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