I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also, beer. Big fan.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
