OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize