Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
