can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize