I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
