my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I need a burrito and a hug.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
