This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
