you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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