she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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