Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
