she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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