I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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