We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
