I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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