why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
