I'm so fucking centered right now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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