I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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