how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
