I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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