my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
