I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
