the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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