you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
