Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
