Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
