anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
