It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
