fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
