Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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