In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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