im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
where am i from again
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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