I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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