Cold hands, warm shart.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so let's talk penis.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No I am not eating basil off your cock
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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