He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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