I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
