Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
it was like eating out sand paper
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
