Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize