you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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