he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
