i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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