Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize