WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just pee around me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize