ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
