Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
