k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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