im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
