Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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