I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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