i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
