Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
