If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
