Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
