I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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