I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
