last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
