i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize